“Promise. This is the last time I am going to drink.” I promised to myself and had another round of gin.
“Today, today is the last day, to be precise”
I have been trying to stop this deadly habit since two years.
I have always been a heavy drinker. Ever since my college days. My other friends knew their limits. But somehow I didn’t. I liked the imaginary world it takes me to. So I drink more and more. And usually, I would drink a lot and then pass out.
I never wanted to quit till they arranged a marriage for me. After that I really really wanted to quit.
Ever since I got married, I reduced my drinking parties. I would reduce it to once every two days instead of everyday. I had told her about my drinking habits, but as most women think that they can make a bad man good, she thought so.
But I couldn’t control myself. The days when I wouldn’t drink, I felt pathetic. I felt like shit.
I felt depressed and sometimes suicidal. The alternate days I tried to stop, I should have been happy with my wife. But no. That was not the case. I missed that effect badly. Pretty badly. So much so that I started getting headaches. So much so, it affected my daily life.
They say the addiction is generally not only physical but also psychological. It plays with the mind. And so it did with me.
I felt handicapped when I don’t drink on anyday. I felt like there is something wrong with the world. When I get to the bar and taste that first sip, I feel home. I feel calm.
So, three months after marriage, I started my old habit of drinking daily.
This was exactly opposite to what I promised to my wife before marriage. I had promised her that I would gradually reduce to once in two days, then twice a week, then once a week and then finally I would quit.
But I was the opposite. So my relationship started deteriorating. Because I was spending more time with alcohol than my wife. And even at times, where I wasn’t drinking, I wouldn’t speak properly to my wife.
It became worse every night, sometimes it turned up so ugly that I started abusing her.
I didn’t know what I would tell to her after reaching home. The night seemed like hell. The morning after, there will be more hell.
I would be constantly accused of not taking enough effort to stop the habit. From the bottom of my heart, I could swear that it isn’t true. I always wanted to stop. But somehow didn’t know how to.
Every time I stopped, I came back to it with more liking.
It’s been two years since I got married. I was supposed to celebrate my second anniversary, today. But both anniversaries has been nightmares.
On the first anniversary, she gave me the divorce papers. On the second anniversary, we legally got divorced.
Yes, she was so fed up, that immediately upon completion of one year of marriage, she filed for a divorce from me.
“What did I do fucking wrong? Why no one is understanding me?” I said to myself and gulped even more rounds.
I want to quit this. Today is my last day.
As I gulped and gulped that poison, finally I passed out.
Next day :
I woke up with a severe headache thinking about my pathetic life. It was 9.00 AM. I had to go to the office. Oh God, this really sucks. I shouldn’t be doing this. I will stop everything from today. So today, while coming back from office, I will directly come home instead of driving to the bar. Yes, no more bullshitting. Come on, let me get a life.
After a tired day’s work, I am driving my car. I switched off the radio to be in silence at least for sometime. A day is always hectic. And the colleagues. They are always buzzing around you. Especially if you are reasonably intelligent and a hard worker. And yet, I succumbed to this addiction.
As I think about the loss, I feel pathetic again. Her face and the divorce paper and the family court proceedings all flash across the mind. After it was all over, her family had a smile on their face. She wasn’t smiling, but was probably relieved. How could their family smile at something like this?
It feels too painful. My hands began to shiver slightly.
“I am in pain. I feel like dying. I need a distraction.” I thought.
As I feel the pain, I also need to decide to take the left in order to reach or to take right in order to reach the bar and do this one last time.
I have been through enough pain, so why not today? One day is nothing compared to 8 years.
“Come on, take left”, said one side of my mind.
“Come on, take right”, said the other side of my mind.
Finally, I turned right.
Dear readers, please feel free to comment/critique my stories. It would be of immense help. In case you already don’t know, I am writing this as part of the A to Z short story challenge
Here are the other stories that I have written as part of this challenge :
Please do take your time to read and drop in your comments. Thanks.