A letter from the death bed…

Recently, I wrote this short story as part of TimesOfIndia WriteIndia contest.

 

“All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am…..

This is who I want my daughter to be.  This is who I want my followers to be. Everyone thinks that I am very strong.

But No. That’s not the truth.  Deep inside, I am a scared child haunted by my dreaded past.  Sometimes I feel I have been haunted so much that even the thought of it bring chills down my spine.

When people are so haunted, even a little bit of distraction helps as an escape mechanism.  For me, the distractions were sex and abuse.  To put it more precisely it was sexual abuse.  Yes.  I got so used to it from my childhood that I started to enjoy it, I started to enjoy the pleasure in the pain.  There were moments that I willingly asked my partner to abuse me sexually.  You know why?  Because I started to enjoy it.  Enjoyment not as in for happiness.  Enjoyment as in like a stress buster.  Something that makes you escape from reality.  

That painful reality which reminds me of my horrible past, always.  That reality that isn’t worth living.  That reality that keeps you anxious, nervous and fearful all the time, as though something bad was going to happen. Continue reading